What it Feels Like When Your Old Life is Gone

Now let's get into some deep emotional stuff. Most of you know that my life had a dramatic change and here is where I will share what it really feels like. It is hard to talk about emotions and sometimes you just need to let it out and be heard. I hope this post will help others and make everyone more truthful to be themselves and that it is okay when things change, for better or worse.

When people talk about change, we always question that first step and what to do. We make a choice and we move on, but no one ever really talks about what comes after you make that choice. When everything is quiet and you are sitting alone. For myself, I began to realise that not just the structure of my life is different, but the routines and my own expectations are as well. You don’t realise how much of your identity is just gone and you are left with time and space to start again. Too much of it. At first it feels like freedom with no obligations, doing what you want, and no constant tension to please others. You can finally be yourself. But after some time you start to feel that there is no clear path to go, no motivation. You find it hard to be yourself, the version of yourself is different, the person who you were doesn’t quite exist anymore, and you feel lost. You don't know who you are becoming.

This is what should be talked about as many people go through changes. It is not about the decisions you need to make but the lack of them. I'm not tied down to anything now, I should be able to be free, but I am constantly lost in what to do. It is a kind of loneliness that comes from missing the familiarity of your old life. You start to question your decisions, wondering if you made things harder for yourself. You look at other people's life and how stable they appear to be compared to your own. My journey is not like anyone else's and I needed to refocus. This takes time and it is okay to feel this way. I had to accept myself and begin learning who I was again. The first time in a long time I became aware, my life was not shaped by expectations, it was open, unstructured. And that is what I found to be both the hardest and most important thing to sit with. My old life is gone, there is nothing to hide behind anymore. No roles, no scripts, no pretending, no direction. Just yourself and the question of what you actually want in life, what you want to build. You can sit and contemplate for hours on end.

This turning point is hard to move past and often people reach out to others for support. That is okay, we all need someone to talk to, to care, and to love. I reached within myself and looked for that part that wanted to change. It was buried deep and all I needed was that little push to get going again. I found that by doing the things I liked I then started to make my own decisions again. I would just start off small. Read a chapter of a book, do a bit of Lego, go for a walk, eat outside. This then turned into big accomplishments, such as finish a book, finish that Lego set, go on a hike and cook yourself dinner. I gave myself little rewards and shared these accomplishments with others, and that started to make me feel accountable for what I wanted to do. When I was able to talk to others about what I was doing, it made me feel happy, I felt like I needed to do it again so I had something to talk about. This is how I felt joy and found that I enjoyed making memories to share with others.

My old life is in the past and I want to continue towards the future. I want to continue writing and expressing myself. Some days are still hard, but I am beginning anew and finding my own support through friends and family. They don't even know they are helping me, by just having a chat with someone can make a big difference. Maybe that is what this whole experience has been about, not having it all figured out but learning to sit in the mess of it all. It may be a mess but there is growth. Starting off small and growing. I’m still figuring things out, and I always will be. I’m learning that it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. It’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to rebuild slowly.

If you’re in a similar place, this is your reminder that you’re not alone in it.